– If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth eating.

– If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help, just stay out of their way — this is what they live for.

– Don’t be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

– Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

– Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

– If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” — stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

– If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

– Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one’s trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

– As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

– You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and barns, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

So he goes in and sure ’nuff, people start screaming and heading for the doors. Only the pastor and an old farmer remain in the church.

The devil looks at the pastor and says “I know why you’re not afraid of me. You preach against me every Sunday. So this is understandable.”  Then he looks at the farmer and says ” but I don’t understand you. Why aren’t you afraid of me?”.

The farmer looks at the devil, smirks, and says “you don’t recognize me do you?”

The devil says, “well no, should I?”

Farmer says, “well you ought to. I’ve been married to your sister for over 30 years!”.

ba da bing!